[ICEPICK]

Rodney Dangerfield


Family: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

General Humor: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...

Childhood: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

Age: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

General Humor: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
Acting deals with very delicate emotions.
It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Funny Incidents: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

Life: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

General Humor: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Childhood: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Doctors: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Sex: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

Age: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

Self: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

Wife: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

Wife: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early.

Self: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Funny Incidents: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

Doctors: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Wife: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Family: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

Self: Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."