The new joke thread

-=[TEK]=-Charlie · 07-06-2006, 03:49 PM

ok i think we need to start up a joke thread again soo..........

-=[TEK]=-Charlie · 07-06-2006, 03:49 PM

Manisms

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

-=[TEK]=-Charlie · 07-09-2006, 12:17 PM

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.

A$$A$$IN · 07-09-2006, 02:29 PM

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

7355608 · 07-09-2006, 03:06 PM

these really aren't jokes but I like them just the same:

In the middle of the day, in the middle of the night. Two dead brothers got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other. Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise. Came in the room and shot the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true, just ask that blind man he saw it too!
_
As I was going up the stairs,
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today...
I wish, I wish he'd stay away.

DANtotheBROWN · 07-09-2006, 04:25 PM

This is NOT a joke, but a hilarious true story.

My friend's cousin was doing 'shrooms with a few of his friends. They decide to go outside. They go out into the street and they see this gnome. The gnome scared them, so they decide to kidnap it. They brought it back inside and put it in the bedroom closet. The take all the furniture from the room and stack it up against the doors, to make sure the gnome doesn't escape.

So they come back when their trip is over (about 4 hours later) and see all the furniture against the closet doors. They take it all away and open the closet to find their 5-year old neighbor crying on the floor.

Again, this is completely true.
And yes, the kid's parents were pissed.

-=[TEK]=-Charlie · 07-10-2006, 03:07 PM

HAHQHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

thats awsome

DinkyPoopStick · 07-25-2006, 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DANtotheBROWN

This is NOT a joke, but a hilarious true story.

My friend's cousin was doing 'shrooms with a few of his friends. They decide to go outside. They go out into the street and they see this gnome. The gnome scared them, so they decide to kidnap it. They brought it back inside and put it in the bedroom closet. The take all the furniture from the room and stack it up against the doors, to make sure the gnome doesn't escape.

So they come back when their trip is over (about 4 hours later) and see all the furniture against the closet doors. They take it all away and open the closet to find their 5-year old neighbor crying on the floor.

Again, this is completely true.
And yes, the kid's parents were pissed.

You may want to not believe your friends cousin anymore
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/drugs/closet.asp

nzdbox · 07-25-2006, 10:31 AM

This is not exactly a joke, it's more of a funny clip.

http://stadium.weblogsinc.com/joysti...50dkpminus.swf

If you want to understand what the hell is going on, I'll try to explain it quickly.

This clip is about World of Warcraft, or more precisely about the killing of a specific dragon, Onyxia. It takes precision, coordination and 40 well-equipped people to defeat the dragon.
In the area where the battle takes place, the dragon is fought on the northern wall of a cavern. On the south-eastern and south-western sides are a bunch of dragon eggs, which will open up and send out dragon whelps when someone steps on them.

During the clip a thing called DKP (Dragon Kill Points) is mentioned quite often. These are a type of "money" that someone aquires for attending raids, and are used to buy items found during a dungeon raid. Sometimes people are penalized for dumb actions with the subtraction of DKP's.

AGGRO is aggression. When you get aggro, that means the monster will attack you. As a rule of thumb, if you're not wearing full plate armor against Onyxia, chances are you're going to die after one or two hits if you become a threat.